I honestly have no idea if this is posting on time or not?? But it's not a three month wait so I guess I'm doing well anyways :D
We left Edward in a very dark place in the last chapter, and I decided to leave Bella alone for now to concentrate on E. This whole chapter is EPOV and I'd like to point out that while "not much" is happening, we are skipping forward through a few weeks in each chapter. Keep that in mind while reading :D
Onwards!
Chapter 49 - The Heart Never Lies
I’d begged Kate to take me off the pills, and it took her
days to even slightly agree. She told me again and again that I couldn’t just
stop taking them, that she was afraid of what I might do if I no longer had
them.
She tried to tell me just how bad I was, but I couldn’t
remember a time before them, so I had no idea if she was lying or not. She
promised me eventually – after a week of begging – that she’d severely drop my
dosage and only ever give me stronger pills when it was clear I needed them.
I didn’t ask how she would know. I didn’t want to know what
was going through her head as she jotted down a new dosage for my dad to pick
up at the hospital. There was something in her eyes when she looked at me, like
she was scared, unsure of her decision.
If she was scared, then surely that meant I should be too. I
didn’t want to be scared; I was a fucking coward and decided that I didn’t want
to know in advance what I might go through in the future. I didn’t want to be
constantly waiting around for my world to crash around my ears.
I didn’t know just how much she’d lowered my dosage by, but
as the week passed, it was obvious it was miniscule if anything. I didn’t feel
any better than I had, I still spaced out on way more occasions than I should
have, and I slept all the fucking time.
The pain in my chest didn’t go away, I kept thinking maybe
it would lessen with time, with pills, with seeing Bella every day at school,
but it was always there, and always intensified tenfold when I lay on my bed at
night.
Kate took to telling me that people who often go through
breakups experience the same grief similar to when someone dies. She told me
the same thing every time we had a new “session,” as if continually rubbing in
that Bella was gone was best for me.
Maybe it was.
I’d given up fighting her on most things. I hadn’t given up
fighting for me, or for Bella, but I had to trust that Carlisle and Kate knew
what they were doing. If she thought keeping me on my medication was best, then
it was.
I fucking hated the grogginess that settled over me –
usually around mid-afternoon – but my body was beginning to finally rebuild its
strength, and when night came, I was actually functional.
I continued to go to school, I continued to watch Bella like
a hawk, but things had changed irrevocably. She was hurting too, and while it
was wrong, I took comfort in that. Breaking up had been her idea, and no matter
how hard I tried, there were still times when I wondered if she’d actually
wanted to go separate ways and had just used me as an excuse.
Of course, in times of lucidity I knew that was ridiculous.
I knew she loved me, maybe even more than I’d loved her at the time, and seeing
the change in her at school led me to believe that us being apart was as hard
on her as it was on me.
****
This chapter should be up on Sunday :D
xx
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